I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
