i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
