I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
