I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
