I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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