well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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