I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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