i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Randomize
