I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
