my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
