If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
