Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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