i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
