and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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