I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
