Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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