I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
