So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
