So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
