every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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