are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
