i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
