Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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