By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
