Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
