i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
