How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
