Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
