I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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