So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
