I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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