True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
