my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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