I didn't shave. On purpose
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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