Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
