dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
