Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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