Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
