first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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