I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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