Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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