Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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