We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Fuck appropriateness.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
