just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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