I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
