So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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