WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
