Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
