My liver just broke up with me...
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Randomize
