it was like his penis was on wheels.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I wear drunk well.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
