I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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