carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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